02/1998 Bikini

february-1998-bikini-dave-navarro

 

Movies + Crap

Peacemaker

The Game

Alien: The Resurrection

Kiss The Girls

Boogie Nights

The Navarro Brothers put the holiday releases in perspective.

 

Peacemaker

Dreamworks SKG Presents

An action film starring George Clooney and Nicole Kidman

Dave & Johnny: Peace of Shit Maker!

 

The Devil’s Advocate

An Al Pacino/Keanu Reeves Vehicle

Dave: Dude, did you hear what people are saying about this? “The Devils Defecate.”

Johnny: Wow! That’s harsh…. Who would say such a thing? Was it us?

Dave: I don’t know exactly. And I don’t get – the movie wasn’t that bad. In fact, Keanu Reeves turned in a fine performance, and with some extremely challenging material.

Johnny: Yeah he did…. I think he was like crying in one scene….

Dave: I think he was just reacting to how much Al Pacino was spitting on him.

Johnny: AI is an extremely “giving” actor isn’t he? He gives you a shower basically.

Dave: (as Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate) “He’s an absen-tee landlord!” (On “tee” Dave sends a spit bullet into the air)

Johnny: (as Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman) “I’m just getting started… spitting on you!”

Dave: Don’t get me started! He went from Michael Corleone to that?

Johnny: Scent Of A Woman garnered Al an Academy Award, Dave!

Dave: Yeah, but that was one of those things where the Academy just felt it was “his time.” I think this is one of those movies that really could’ve been great, but I think that studio people got a hold of it and basically cooked the life right out of it.

Johnny: I think you’re right…. There was a lot of really “pointed” stuff in it…. I hate that, when the studios just decide that everyone in the audience is an idiot and that they can’t appreciate subtleties.

Dave & Johnny: The Studio’s Masturbate!

 

The Game

Starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn

Johnny: Sean Penn is simply the coolest guy around, isn’t he?

Dave: Yeah, he really is. He was only in this movie for like five minutes, but in those five minutes he was cooler than everybody else in Hollywood.

Johnny: Are you of the “I Hate Michael Douglas.’ school?

Dave: No. I like Michael Douglas. He plays such great bastards.

Johnny: Tough gig for Michael Douglas in this one because he was basically playing the same beat through the whole movie, “Why is this happening to me and how can I make it stop?”

Dave: Right. Like Steve Martin in Planes.

Johnny: Same beat throughout. Tough to keep it fresh, David.

Dave: Not unlike interpersonal relationships at times. Or, being a movie columnist.

Johnny: Exactly. You and I get together and do basically the same shit each month, but at least we try to keep it fresh.

Dave: I don’t know Johnny, I ran across an old issue the other day and you were wearing that same Hawaiian shirt you have on right now. This movie was neither great nor dreadful. It was, however, entertaining, and it gets you involved.

Dave &Johnny: The Lame!

 

 Alien: The Resurrection

The sequel to an alien epic

Sigourney Weaver and Winona Ryder 

Johnny: They should’ve called this, Alien: The Erection.

Dave: Oh, Johnny. Come on now. That is so wrong. That is such a frat boy response. You’re better than that.

Johnny: You’re right. Okay. How about Alien: The Resuscitation? In that they’re obviously trying to breathe life into Winona Ryder’s sagging career The last few films she, made have left something to be desired at the box office.

Dave: Now that’s much better. Anything else you’d like to add?

Johnny: I’d like to give Winona Ryder some “mouth-to-mouth” of my own…. Her career may be sagging, but she certainly is not!

Dave: Oh, Johnny, reel it in a little, you knew this movie wasn’t going to be that great when they showed like half of it in the trailers….

Johnny: Right.

Dave: Plus, they used all of the textbook thriller gimmicks: 1. The moody thriller music pounding to a thundering crescendo; 2. The thing that SUDDENLY JUMPS OUT AT YOU but is really nothing to be scared of at all; 3. The “Don’t go in there” walk; 4. The “It’s those things, they’re out there!” talk; 5. The drippy, oozy stuff, 6. The “take out the big tough guy to set everything off balance” trick. Shall I go on?

Johnny: No. You’ve got it going on all right.

Dave & Johnny: Alien: The Retrogression.

 

Kiss The Girls

Ashley Judd, Morgan Freeman and Cary Elwes

Dave & Johnny: We really liked this movie and we don’t want to give anything away by going into too much detail about it….

…. but we never thought that Cary Elwes would end up being the killer!!!

 

 Boogie Nights

A Fictional Pseudo Porno Bio-Pic Stars

Stars Mark Wahlberg, John C. Reilly, Burt Reynolds, William H Macy, Julianne Moore and Heather Graham

Johnny: Here we go again! I’m going to have  such a hard time with this one, because frankly I have a little burning resentment towards the filmmakers because, you know, they hired me to do that little body-double work for Marky Mark, you know, in that scene in his dressing room….

Dave: Stop it right now…

Johnny: You know, towards the end, when he pulls down his fly and whips out his joint….

Dave: You’re not saying…

Johnny: Oh yes…. I was the stunt dick…. And did I receive a credit? Did I get paid? Did I even get invited to go to the gala world premiere?

Dave: You’re killing me, man….

Johnny: No, Dave I sweated for these people. People are talking prosthetics, Marky Mark’s claiming it’s his prize…. That, my stunt unit and, damn it, I want what’s coming to me!

Dave: Where was “stunt unit” when we were in Vegas?

Johnny: Whoa. Easy! That was a totally different situation…. One, in fact, that we need not elaborate upon.

Dave: (laughing) That shut you up pretty quick!

Johnny: Wasn’t Burt Reynolds great? (beat) You know, in Vegas, I was just really tired.

Dave: (laughing) Sure, babe.

Johnny: I would like to say, however, that I believe Heather Graham is an extremely gifted artist and that Hollywood has yet to realize the full breadth of her talents.

Dave: She was definitely full of talent in this film.

Johnny: you know she reads Bikini. I wonder if she’s reading this right now?

Dave: Well, didn’t you meet her on the set, Mr Stunt Dick?

Johnny: (treading water and sinking fast) Oh well…Uh, yeah…. I mean…. That was a closed set, man… I mean they respected my respected my privacy, you know…

Dave: So, Julianne Moors end Mark Wahlberg can like fully go for it completely nude with about ten crew members standing around but when you whip out your Slim Jim and they’ve got to clear the set?

Johnny: It’s different man… I was working solo, you know what I mean? I’m a solo artist

Dave: A solo artist. Okay I’ll buy that.

 

 

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